Learning to let go and allow the process of unknowing to unfold
Greetings from deep within the rabbit hole
So… I started this Substack (“Being and Process of Becoming”) with the ambitious goal of synthesizing physical facts with metaphysical understandings to develop a personal cosmology that made sense of the persistent existential uneasiness that I was feeling. Like a true seaker, I was convinced that there was a missing key that would unlock all of the Wisdom teaching secret’s to yield a simple and accessible explanation of Reality. The vision was a roadmap for unraveling the cocoon encasing the small self and blocking connection with Universe. Voila! pulling back the veil of maya to reveal what the hidden Truth.
Oh I read and read. Quantum physics, neurocognition, chaos theory, Buddhism, Hinduism, Advaita Vedanta, secret society teachings, etc, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I have (virtual) piles and piles of notes on my computer. And then the effort all came to an end with the profound realization that anything I could say about reality would only be from a standpoint of the relative. Moreover, a single individual’s limited view of the actual workings of Universe. How could a limited individual even attempt to describe the Infinite? Any thing said would be a concept developed from a limited point of view.
Even after realizing the futility of my fool’s quest, mind kept pressing for THE answer. Thus, disregarding this realization, I doubled-down, delving deeper into the esoteric literature. There I discovered P.D. Ouspensky, a Russian mathematician turned philospher. Ouspensky refined what he called the Fourth Way- a proscripted method for developing Understanding. Now, I thought, here is a scientist who really has figured it out: high dimensional structures of the Universe, somatosensory tuning, clear guidelines for productive introspection. Oh boy, the rabbit hole was enticingly deep…
There was a point at which the mind felt close to finally getting it. The euphoria of this experience was nearly overwhelming. And then it wasn’t.
A deeper level of awareness, accessed during the absence of thought while in meditation, arose above the chatter of mind. In the manner of the most caring, loving, nurturing caregiver possible, I was imbued with the sense that everything is perfect as it is. That’s perfect. Full stop. And with that I stopped striving.
There is no answer. Or rather the answer is this. Call it life. Call it being. Call it… It doesn’t matter what it’s called, because words cannot express it. It is always and ever only this. A message heard many times, but without apparent understanding.
Am I enlightened? Ha Ha! That would be a ironic joke. The punchline is there can be nobody who is elightened. The mind-body is a contrivance. Useful for function in this world I’ve co-created with fellow limited beings, but totally an artifice.
I can only saying that there is an experience of unraveling occurring. Dis-identification, dis-remembering, dis-knowing. No, that’s not entirely correct. Each of those descriptions denote effort. There is a lack of efforting.
There has been a recurrent realization that everything I perceive of myself and my place in the world is a story. A brilliantly contrived and narrated story that becomes so believable as to capture my full, undivided attention. But, it’s only a story; a fiction; a convenient contrivance to “fit in” with the world. To be accepted.
Looked at this way, it is amusing to see the mind-body react in accustomed ways. There is certainly plenty of fodder with the steady stream of “news” regarding the present state of the world. The sides battling for control of our awareness are legion. The artifical divisions between “us” and “them” are strikingly stark and vividly portrayed. The enemy lines have been defined and the battle for the hearts and minds of humanity is raging. What a brilliant play! The story is totally engrossing. Only a perfect nihilist would fail to be engaged.
Yet, there do appear to be individuals who have caught a glimpse behind the scene and are awakening to the fact that this is all pure spectacle. I have very much appreciated reading the accounts by Kathleen Devanny of her own inner transformation from an alarmist [my definition] to a person disengaging from the culture war maelstrom. It’s beautiful to see her shedding her fears and developing an understanding of the falsity behind all of the current media-driven psychosis.
So, the question is, “where do we go from here?” I’ve appreciated the feedback I’ve gotten on my postings. I’m amazed at the number of followers- especially given the lack of productivity. I had always envisioned an end to this Substack. But the end looked anything but like this- what is essentially a prolonged pause in mid thought.
The answer is a rather uninspiring, “I don’t know”. All I can say is that there is an unfolding occuring, which will occur in it’s natural order. Whatever intentions I might have now are only ephemeral thoughts. Whether or not they manifest cannot be predicted.
In the meantime I will live life, continuing the process of unearthing and discarding those stories that define me as a individual person. I’m a spiritual vagabond. All I have in my sack are the mental tools that resonate with me. I would love to hear about other experiences, for these can be great teaching tools, with the realization that every individual is unique and, therefore, every tool is idosyncratic.
If you hear from me, it will be from life on the roadless road. Meandering from depot to depot, stopping only to become connected with Nature. Meanwhile the mind-body will continue it’s purpose of functioning in the world. Continuing the love of family, communities of friends and job. There is no reason to change outward appearance. All is contained within the eternal internal. The unfolding starts “within” and emanates “outwardly” until all things are consumed by Source.
In a recent shamanic journey, I passed through a portal into the Upper Upper World. I met the spirit from the future. I posed my question--how do I best live during these times. I was told "tolerance and trust. Trust that whatever happens; it is all working for the highest good for all. There is a bigger plan being worked out that transcends what things appear to be. We must tolerate and trust the process."
I then drew an oracle card from the Mystical Shaman Oracle Deck and drew the Sun card. Both messages from the future spirit and the sun are hopeful. The sun will always come out! Heat and light for growing new things is always available....tolerance and trust. Even in growing new things, we have to tolerate the weather, the days of rain, waiting, and trust that life will come, the seed will grow. We have to tolerate the pregnancy. We have to tolerate and trust the birthing process. This place of the unknown. There is something bigger at work for the good of all.
Then I am reminded of Joe Dispenza's teaching: ". . . if you focus on the known, you get the known. If you focus on the unknown, you create a possibility. The longer you can linger in that field of infinite possibilities as an awareness – aware that you are aware in this endless black space – without putting your attention on your body, on things, or on people, places, and time, the longer you invest your energy into the unknown, the more you are going to create a new experience or new possibilities in your life.
And as you say, Brian, "All is contained within the eternal internal. The unfolding starts “within” and emanates “outwardly” until all things are consumed by Source." And I would add, since "as above, so below; as within, so without" we are that Source from which all things emanates which tells us that we have everything we need within, Perhaps, once we realize that, the striving ends and we find ourselves on the "roadless road." Thanks for showing up from wherever you are today.
Having taken the road less travelled myself, meandering the roadless road does evoke a sense of unfolding and unravelling from within. There is no map, no set course. Thankyou, fellow wayfarer.